The Full Story
It started with not understanding what I was feeling to finding clarity from 78 silly little paper cards (YES, 78 silly little paper cards).
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This beautiful woman next to me is my mother, Lisa. I was 15 in this photo. Everyone thought we were sisters. She was a classic Libra Sun: charming, fair, beautiful, witty, manipulative and very indecisive. She valued her relationships. She had one of the best hearts I have ever known. I believe this made her struggle with the balance she fought so hard to try to maintain.
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She always called me her Angel with golden wings. One day I asked her why she called me that and she told me that during an altercation with my father, she looked over at me and saw my halo and golden wings and she knew then, in that moment, everything would be fine. That "altercation" turned out to be the last straw in their marriage.​​​​
Part One: The Angel with Golden Wings
My biological parents divorced when I was very young. I do not have any memories of my biological parents together. Eventually, I was told a variety of different stories of why my father was not in my life and they all seemed to center around the same story line - he didn't want to pay child support (later in life I did get to enjoy a two year relationship with my biological father before his death, I was well into my twenties and loved every moment we shared together). The memories of my early childhood start between ages 4-5 when we lived with my grandparents. Grandparents are the best. My morning routine was getting up with my Nana around 5am when I would hear her unloading the dishwasher or doing a household chore, then it was down to the basement to walk on the treadmill and watch the morning news. From the basement to the bedroom is where I would watch her get ready for work and do her makeup. She worked at a national law firm as a legal secretary with her sister (who then became a paralegal). My Nana was beautiful. A Capricorn Sun, she was the boss (but I don't think she allowed my Poppie to know that). Structure, discipline, do the right things and the right things will happen kind of energy. I always felt my best when I was with her. Her earth soaked up my world of watery emotions grounding me to stillness. I will always be grateful for her.
My Mom & Nana in 2007
I think I was around 5 when my mom and I jumped on a train from Connecticut to Florida. On that train ride, my mom meets husband number 2 and off to Florida we moved. Yes, just like that. ​The 10 years that followed were a blur. Of course there were moments of happiness but I feel secure in stating that there was more trauma then there was good. These are the years I developed co-dependency in the way of needing to be the one to take care of and fix everything. I was more of a parent to my siblings then my parents were (not by choice); this would ultimately be the deciding factor to me leaving my second childhood home at age 16.
Part Two: Trauma
When you are conditioned to taking care of others while you are growing up, that conditioning sticks to you in the form of co-dependency and other dis-ease. I thought I was in love like most teenage girls; but what I was feeling was so much deeper than love, and I wasn't able to separate his feelings from my own. I was mirroring his pain but projecting mine. A year or so later, Hailey joined us. It was a complicated birth but Hailey made it with no permanent injuries.
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On 10/27/2003 Hailey's life changed forever. The doctors said she was shaken. He said he dropped her down the stairs. The authorities had their own chain of events they pieced together (that was fun). This was the day I learned that a mother's intuition is real. It was also the day that I realized I wasn't listening to that inner voice guiding me away from the pattern of choices I was making based on childhood and generational trauma. Still a child myself, I had no choice but to stand tall and piece my life and Hailey's life back together. The fight or flight response for me would continue for another 10 plus years to come.
But! The universe had a plan and my choices (free will) eventually led me to where I am now.
Hailey in 2015
Part Three: Grief
Fast forward to 2019. My Mom was really struggling, but so was my immediate family. Drugs, alcohol, and addiction have followed me my entire life. It was time to make a choice ~ my Mom or my family. So I did what any normal person would do. I had a meltdown. Then, I found a therapist. I knew the guilt I was going to feel from having to choose between taking care of my children or my Mom would eat me alive. Unfortunately, two years later I learned I was right. My Mom had been hit by a car and would spend the following 18 days stuck between this life and the next. At 36 years old, both of my biological parents were gone.
A few hours before my Mom's accident, she left me the most beautiful voice message and reminded me that I had golden wings and that no one could do the things that I could do. The next morning I woke up to a frantic message from my brother and off to the hospital I went.
I didn't fully understand what grief was until after my Mom's Celebration of Life. The mirroring, the projecting, the inability to distinguish my emotions from others continued until the day I couldn't get out of bed. That feeling was a feeling I had never felt before. The one person I truly felt tethered to was gone.
When life became still again, it felt like the weight of my entire life hit me like a ton of bricks. Once again, I did what any sane person would do, I grabbed my Tarot cards and started looking for answers but I was not in the right frame of mind to see clearly.
I had no choice but to go back to therapy. Only this time, I really decided to do all of the work (not just a part of it to get me out of the current crisis).
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Part Four: Clarity
Being honest with myself was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My brain was so conditioned to trauma, trauma bonds, and trauma responses. I had to learn how to really slow down and just talk to myself. Listen to my inner voice. I had to retrain my brain to think differently. Once I was able to sit still with myself the clarity came. The clarity came from the 78 silly little paper cards that I had been trying so hard to read as an adult. All I had to do was stop trying to read them; stop trying and just experience. The sun always rises, the moon continues its orbit around our planet, and all of the bright colors mix together to gray giving us the opportunity to grow by finding the good all over again. Life is a cycle, more importantly, your life is what you choose to make of it.
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"She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart"
~ Dave Matthews Band
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